This is Priceless ! and how True !

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.... Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting...

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and groans,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

THIS ONE IS FOR THE GIRLS !!

A Special One For All The Ladies ...

               ARE YOU A BITCH? 

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions ~

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know

Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...

Double Income, No Kids.'

THE KOALA AND THE LITTLE LIZARD !!

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

IT'S HELL TO BE OLD !!!

 

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!  

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Rat Shit in the glue on Envelopes was the Best

Dear Friends

Just to start off the New Year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the last year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. 

But that will change once I receive the  $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

WEEWEECHU CHRISTMAS !

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" , said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." , replied Rosita.

 "Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!! 

EXERCISE FOR THE OVER FORTIES

 Just came across this exercise suggested for the over 40's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy so I thought that I'd pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

 1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

 2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then a 25kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level).

 3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the bags. LOL !!

Bottle of Wine The Women will love this one !!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
 

 After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. 
 

 The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
 

 Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
 

 The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.
 

 The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. 
 

 The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
 

 The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever and evil. Don't mess with them.

So Where is the Post Office ?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."


The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."


The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bullshit... You don't Even know the way to the Post Office."